Things I don't need to hear

I am 33 weeks pregnant. Eight months people. Anyone who tells you pregnancy is 9 months long is excruciatingly bad at math and should be struck down with some flesh eating parasitic disease. Pregnancy is FORTY WEEKS. That means you COMPLETE your nine months and, if you have a fetus who particularly enjoys the constant 98.6 degree hot tub and the all day buffet, you quite potentially go into your TENTH month of being pregnant.

With that a list of things I don't need to hear

~ I am not a first time mom. I have been through labor (and a c section.) I do not need to hear your horror stories. I do not care about your cousin's best friend's daughter's 36 hour labor.

~ On a related note I do not need to hear about how the epidural wore off halfway through labor. About how their blood pressure dropped and they passed out. Or about the blood transfusion they needed to keep from dying OH MY GOD

~ Yes I plan to nurse. I nursed my son for 35 months (yes you read that right.) So I know all about sore nipples, and nursing strikes, and bleeding and cracking and how I'll never be able to leave my baby. Most of that listed is complete bullshit.

~Yes, we plan on cosleeping with the new baby just as we did with my son. If you think sex can only be had in the bed, at night, I have a book you need to read.

~ I am 8 months pregnant. DO NOT EVER say to a pregnant woman (or ANY female) "Oh you're getting SO big!" Because then I want to point out you're kind of a fat ass yourself. Yes I know it's "mostly baby" but I also know that doesn't mean the entire 35 lbs I've gained is going to disappear as soon as I finish gestating. So back off.

~ I don't grab your crotch so don't touch my belly. Normal manners still apply to pregnant women. If you wouldn't feel comfortable touching my stomach when it isn't housing a baby don't touch it when it is. It's creepy.

~ NO it's not twins and YES that is rude

~ Yes I look like I'm about to "pop." That's becasue you're used to seeing pregnant women on TV. Normal women don't look like that. Angelina Jolie's weight at 9 months is my goal weight a year from now.