–noun 1. inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.
2. Psychoanalysis. erotic gratification derived from admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes, being a normal condition at the infantile level of personality development.
I need to get this out. I may not be able to do it all in one post but I need to deal with this in a fashion that doesn't involve bias. In a way that allows me to form cohesive thoughts and not be burdened by the finality of speech.
My mother is an RN. When I was 11 she took a job she didn't (financially) need to take in a town 2 hours away from my father and I. My dad made enough money without her income to support us. She worked b/c she wanted to. She was gone Monday thru Friday and came home regularly on the weekends for a while. After a few months the weekends home become more sporadic and she would want me to come visit her. At some point she quit that job and returned home.
When I was 14 my mother allowed my 16 year old cousin and I to borrow her car (along with a carton of cigarettes she'd bought us)and drive an hour and a half into the city by ourselves to go to a water park.
Soon after I started my freshman year of high school she convinced my father to extend my curfew to 12:30 and I started hanging out with last years seniors (now college freshmen.)
At 15, the weekend before Christmas, she told me she was leaving my father. And made me promise not to tell him. She finally told him on New Year's Eve, the night before she left.
I spent the summer with her at her new condo. That's when I realized that for 3+ years she'd been cheating on my father with the man she'd hired to be my grandmother's physical therapist after her stroke.
She would leave me home alone with my boyfriend while she went to "work out" with the girls from work. She would come home with hickeys. At some point I remember asking her how long she was going to lie to me.
I decided to spend my Junior year with her since my new school would allow me to take college classes during the day. At this point, with a father working to afford alimony and child support, a mother who spent most of her time with her boyfriend and a credit card of my own (I was never made to work and my car was bought for me, along with insurance) I began to find other ways to get attention. Thankfully I never have been a drinker or done drugs. I just became a slut. My grades didn't suffer and I always made it to school on time so there weren't any "red flags." I wasn't a stupid girl either so I made sure birth control was covered.
My mom met a guy in a bar shortly after my dad filed for divorce. She would leave me alone, with what ever friend, male or female that was there, and spend the night with the new man. I'd spend 3-4 nights a week alone. I always went to my dad's on the weekend. After six months of listening to my mother moan about how stupid she was to leave my dad and how if she had it all to do over again...... she got engaged. In a bar. I was there b/c she's found a way to get me in and had been letting me go out with her. I was 17.
My senior year I moved back in with my dad. My mom moved in with her new husband and his two male roommates. When I would visit, I got to sleep on the couch.
My dad isn't totally in the clear. He should have worked less and stood up to her more. But she was always really good at hiding things from him.
My mother never does anything she doesn't want to. She doesn't think her decisions through and is now married to an alcoholic who doesn't want to sleep with her. She's never ever on time for anything and may or may do what she's promised. I spent 5 years after high school trying to make her love me the way I always thought a mother should. Then I had Remi.
We told her from day one of my pregnancy that as long as she smoked she would not keep my child. See on top of everything I've just told you, my mother is addicted to prescription drugs. Oh now she doesn't think she has a problem. She's had 3 back surgeries and has a "prescription" from a doctor she drives almost 2 hours to see b/c no other medical professional in his or her right mind would give her the meds she has now. Daily (sometimes two or three times) my mother takes morphine, oxy contin, Tylox, Loritab, Soma, Xanax, blood pressure meds, and Percocet. She falls asleep while she's talking. When I stopped taking my Percocet 3 days after my C section, she offered to buy them from me. Oh and on top of all of that she has "fibromyalgia."
After his third birthday this year I told her she could come get him for a few hours the next weekend (my aunt would be with her.) She never showed up. Not even a phone call. At that point whatever inside me was still making excuses for her broke as I watched my 3 year old stand by the door waiting for Gammy.
I didn't talk to her for 2 months. When I finally answered her calls she told me it was time to "let go" of all of "that stuff." She had "paid her dues" and I needed to let it go. That she hadn't done anything wrong. That I just didn't have any respect for her
She doesn't understand why I feel the way I do. She doesn't think anything she did could have hurt me. I realized recently I don't hate her anymore. I'm not angry, or hurt. I'm indifferent. I used to say I loved her b/c she was my mother. At some point in the last few months I realised I felt nothing anymore. I just want her to go away. I used to feel badly for Remi. Then I realized that he has a wonderful, amazing grandmother in my MIL. I can't let my mother hurt him the way she hurt me. I didn't have anyone to protect me but I can protect my son.
My husband doesn't understand. My dad feels horrible about not doing something but hind sight is 20/20. I'm not sure what to do from here. I have no idea how to deal with this. She really and truely doesn't understand what she's done and until she can admit to something I can't have a relationship with her. I feel lost. How do you tell your own mother you don't want to speak to her any more?
1 comment:
Oh, Lindsey, I truly do feel bad for you. I haven't that sort of issue with immediate family, but there's all sorts of dirty laundry just slightly beyond that. Some of which is very similar to your situation.
What's more important here is not how she deals with it, but how you accept the decision you've made. You are doing what is in the best interest of your child (soon to be children), and anyone who would fault you for that can get bent.
My heart goes out to you. As far as your husband is concerned, I would imagine he knows the details by now. I reckon that having had a good relationship with his folks, this seems alien to him. Your dad, unfortunately, will likely carry this to his grave. I feel bad for him, too. No father wants to fail Daddy's Little Girl.
I hope that you and your family fare well through this.
tweaker
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