Do wha?
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh
Dirty Deeds.... DONE. DIRT. CHEAP.
(silly boy)
Showing posts with label random stuff. Show all posts
Showing posts with label random stuff. Show all posts
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
School, 1958 vs 2008
Scenario: Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.
Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane, blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Bill of NON Rights
NEW AMENDMENT TO THE CONSTITUTION
'We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights.
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. (This one is my pet peeve...get an education and go to work....don't expect everyone else to take care of you!)
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair, sniff the gas chamber, swing from the gallows, or take it in the vein!!
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from!
ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!
'We the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt ridden, delusional, and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim they require a Bill of NON-Rights.
ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc.; but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes. (This one is my pet peeve...get an education and go to work....don't expect everyone else to take care of you!)
ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair, sniff the gas chamber, swing from the gallows, or take it in the vein!!
ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
ARTICLE VIII: You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
ARTICLE IX: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness, which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
ARTICLE X: This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from, English is our language. Learn it or go back to wherever you came from!
ARTICLE XI: You do not have the right to change our country's history or heritage. This country was founded on the belief in one true God. And yet, you are given the freedom to believe in any religion, any faith, or no faith at all; with no fear of persecution. The phrase IN GOD WE TRUST is part of our heritage and history, and if you are uncomfortable with it, TOUGH!
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Me too
We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better.
I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.
I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.
I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.
And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.
It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.
I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.
I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room,but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.
When you want to see a movie and your little sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let her.
I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.
On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.
If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.
I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.
When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.
I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy/girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.
May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.
I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it.. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.
I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.
May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.
I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.
*The above is from an email and is credited to Paul Harvey
I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.
I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.
I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.
And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.
It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.
I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.
I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room,but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.
When you want to see a movie and your little sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let her.
I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.
On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.
If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.
I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.
When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.
I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy/girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.
May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.
I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it.. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.
I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.
May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.
I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.
*The above is from an email and is credited to Paul Harvey
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Friday, February 22, 2008
Daddy's Rules for Dating
My dad sent this to me in an email. Ahh flashbacks to high school.....
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Meme
From AD-
What do you think when I say:
1. Beer: Tecate, lime and salt
2. Anorexic: Olsen twins
3. Relationships: Wonderful
4. Purple: Bear
5. Power Rangers:Evil
6. Weed:Vomiting
7. Steroids:Baseball
8. Cartoons:Courage
9. The President: Downhill slide
10. Tupperware: Multiplies like bunnies
11. Best vacation:Island
12. Santa Claus: Lies. All lies.
13. Halloween: New baby
14. Bon Jovi: I'll Be There For You
15. Grammar: Endangered
16. Facebook: Over it.
17. Worst fear: Something happening to my family
18. Marriage:Amazing
19. Paris Hilton: Why?
21. Redhead: My neices
22. Blonde: Me
23. Pass the time: Reading
24. One night stands: No thanks
25. Donald Trump:See Bad hair
26. Neverland: Peter Pan
27. Pixie dust: Tinker Bell
28. Vanilla ice cream: Stawberries.
29. High School: Zcarrici jeans and cole hans with no socks
30. Work: Wondering how they'll tak me bing pregnant
31. Pajamas: Flannel
32. Woods: Peaceful.
33. Wet Sock: Cna't stand it
34. Alcohol: Moderation
35. Love: my husband and son (and the peanut.)
What do you think when I say:
1. Beer: Tecate, lime and salt
2. Anorexic: Olsen twins
3. Relationships: Wonderful
4. Purple: Bear
5. Power Rangers:Evil
6. Weed:Vomiting
7. Steroids:Baseball
8. Cartoons:Courage
9. The President: Downhill slide
10. Tupperware: Multiplies like bunnies
11. Best vacation:Island
12. Santa Claus: Lies. All lies.
13. Halloween: New baby
14. Bon Jovi: I'll Be There For You
15. Grammar: Endangered
16. Facebook: Over it.
17. Worst fear: Something happening to my family
18. Marriage:Amazing
19. Paris Hilton: Why?
21. Redhead: My neices
22. Blonde: Me
23. Pass the time: Reading
24. One night stands: No thanks
25. Donald Trump:See Bad hair
26. Neverland: Peter Pan
27. Pixie dust: Tinker Bell
28. Vanilla ice cream: Stawberries.
29. High School: Zcarrici jeans and cole hans with no socks
30. Work: Wondering how they'll tak me bing pregnant
31. Pajamas: Flannel
32. Woods: Peaceful.
33. Wet Sock: Cna't stand it
34. Alcohol: Moderation
35. Love: my husband and son (and the peanut.)
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Open letter
To the Fast and Furious wannabe-
Every time you change lanes for no reason, God kills a kitten.
Every time you change lanes for no reason, God kills a kitten.
ABC's and I got promoted!!!!
Admiring: My pretty new hobo bag I bought yesterday because I GOT PROMOTED!
Beating myself up about: Letting my child watch Courage the Cowardly Dog. I can see his brain cells die every time it comes on.
Crying over: Everything. Always. My chromosome's demand it.
Daydreaming about: Lounging in bed all day in warm PJ's reading a good book and drinking wine
Excited because: I GOT PROMOTED!!!
Frustrated because: I can't get my lazy non cleaning ass in gear and straighten out my dresser
Grumpy because: It's Thursday. Not wonderful, paycheck getting, get to sleep in tomorrow Friday.
Hate-filled and seething over: The fact that I attract stupid people.
Indignant because: My MIL is harping over the fact that my shit's broken and I'm not knocked up yet. Bite me old woman.
Just shoot me now because: I have to train my replacement tomorrow. See above comment about stupid people.
Kidding myself regarding: The size 4 jeans in my closet
Listening to: Ellen. She cracks my shit up.
Mooning over: Pictures of adorable kitten's my husband will never let me have. Butthead.
Need: A haircut. Badly.
Obsessing over: Mucous and morning temps
Praying: That I won't have to take my temp at 2:45 every morning for too damn much longer
Questioning: My ability to NOT cry when my new boss screams at me like he does everyone else
Reading: Something by the guy who wrote The Prince of Tides. It was suggested to me and it's taken me so long to get thorough it I may declare it a coaster instead of a novel.
Singing: Bumblebees... Thunder Chief..... (Courtesy of a coworker. It's Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap you blithering idiot!)
Trying: To get that GODDAMNED SONG out of my HEAD.
Unnerved by: This. Just…yeah.
Valentiney Update: I got my husband a kick ass coyote decoy and if the bastard's don't get it here in time I'm kicking some one's ass!
Wondering: When MIL is bringing the by home. I miss him
X-rated action: Right. Please see entry O.
Yawning over: The fact that I got up at 2:45 am. Except it was really 2:30 b/c my possessed alarm clock decided it would fast forward its self.
Zoinks: This seemed like a good idea when I started
Beating myself up about: Letting my child watch Courage the Cowardly Dog. I can see his brain cells die every time it comes on.
Crying over: Everything. Always. My chromosome's demand it.
Daydreaming about: Lounging in bed all day in warm PJ's reading a good book and drinking wine
Excited because: I GOT PROMOTED!!!
Frustrated because: I can't get my lazy non cleaning ass in gear and straighten out my dresser
Grumpy because: It's Thursday. Not wonderful, paycheck getting, get to sleep in tomorrow Friday.
Hate-filled and seething over: The fact that I attract stupid people.
Indignant because: My MIL is harping over the fact that my shit's broken and I'm not knocked up yet. Bite me old woman.
Just shoot me now because: I have to train my replacement tomorrow. See above comment about stupid people.
Kidding myself regarding: The size 4 jeans in my closet
Listening to: Ellen. She cracks my shit up.
Mooning over: Pictures of adorable kitten's my husband will never let me have. Butthead.
Need: A haircut. Badly.
Obsessing over: Mucous and morning temps
Praying: That I won't have to take my temp at 2:45 every morning for too damn much longer
Questioning: My ability to NOT cry when my new boss screams at me like he does everyone else
Reading: Something by the guy who wrote The Prince of Tides. It was suggested to me and it's taken me so long to get thorough it I may declare it a coaster instead of a novel.
Singing: Bumblebees... Thunder Chief..... (Courtesy of a coworker. It's Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap you blithering idiot!)
Trying: To get that GODDAMNED SONG out of my HEAD.
Unnerved by: This. Just…yeah.
Valentiney Update: I got my husband a kick ass coyote decoy and if the bastard's don't get it here in time I'm kicking some one's ass!
Wondering: When MIL is bringing the by home. I miss him
X-rated action: Right. Please see entry O.
Yawning over: The fact that I got up at 2:45 am. Except it was really 2:30 b/c my possessed alarm clock decided it would fast forward its self.
Zoinks: This seemed like a good idea when I started
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
*sigh*
Well we made it through Christmas and Remington's third birthday with out any noticeable scars. Pictures will come later when I don't have a whiny three year old driving me nuts! For now I'm coping out of an actual thought provoking post and giving you-
TMI Tuesday
1) Do you have/ever had any dating or sex superstitions? (Wear 'lucky jeans' on first date, always light a vanilla candle, etc.) If so, what are they?
Nope. The only thing that would come close isn’t a superstition, but rather a little insurance against “misbehavior”: not shaving. Having fuzzy armpits, legs, and nether regions = a pretty safe bet that I won't be sheddin' the clothes and exposing said fuzziness. Of course now I'm married and have to shave all of it every day!
2) If you were stranded on the old deserted island, and a genie appeared who could only grant you one wish -- to bring one of the following people to join you, who would it be?
- your spouse/significant other
- an unrequited love or some person you've had a crush on
- an old/past love
- your best friend
Um my spouse! He's rather handy with the killing and cooking of wild game, he knows which vegetation will cause uncomfortable side effects (you know, like death)plus he keeps me warm at night!
3) Tell us "weather or not" you're in the mood -- how does rain, snow, sleet, scorching heat, sweltering humidity etc. affect your libido.
I;m much more accommodating when I'm comfortable to cool. When I'm hot you'd best keep your paws off of me!
4) Are you a crying drunk, an angry drunk, a 'I'm drunk, let's screw' sort of a drinker? (And, if you do not drink -- which one of those things is the reason?)
I'm a "Tequila makes her clothes fall off" kind of drunk. Which is why I avoid all liquor and drink only beer.
5) Who turns you on the most & why:
the activist
the author
the care-giver/healer (nurse, doctor, masseuse, herbalist, chiropractor etc.)
the comedian
the educator (professor, teacher, mentor etc.)
the model
the musician
the politician
the scientist
The comedian. If you can't make me laugh you can get packin
Bonus (as in optional): Looking back, what's the one thing you've done which was supposed to be erotic, but didn't quite work out?
The only thing I can come up with is a recent purchase from an online intimate apparel store. It was supposed to be a “spider web” teddy. It can only be described as a “tangled ball of string.” What was to be a surprise outfit for hubby(to see, not for him to wear...heh) became a very expensive cat toy.
TMI Tuesday
1) Do you have/ever had any dating or sex superstitions? (Wear 'lucky jeans' on first date, always light a vanilla candle, etc.) If so, what are they?
Nope. The only thing that would come close isn’t a superstition, but rather a little insurance against “misbehavior”: not shaving. Having fuzzy armpits, legs, and nether regions = a pretty safe bet that I won't be sheddin' the clothes and exposing said fuzziness. Of course now I'm married and have to shave all of it every day!
2) If you were stranded on the old deserted island, and a genie appeared who could only grant you one wish -- to bring one of the following people to join you, who would it be?
- your spouse/significant other
- an unrequited love or some person you've had a crush on
- an old/past love
- your best friend
Um my spouse! He's rather handy with the killing and cooking of wild game, he knows which vegetation will cause uncomfortable side effects (you know, like death)plus he keeps me warm at night!
3) Tell us "weather or not" you're in the mood -- how does rain, snow, sleet, scorching heat, sweltering humidity etc. affect your libido.
I;m much more accommodating when I'm comfortable to cool. When I'm hot you'd best keep your paws off of me!
4) Are you a crying drunk, an angry drunk, a 'I'm drunk, let's screw' sort of a drinker? (And, if you do not drink -- which one of those things is the reason?)
I'm a "Tequila makes her clothes fall off" kind of drunk. Which is why I avoid all liquor and drink only beer.
5) Who turns you on the most & why:
the activist
the author
the care-giver/healer (nurse, doctor, masseuse, herbalist, chiropractor etc.)
the comedian
the educator (professor, teacher, mentor etc.)
the model
the musician
the politician
the scientist
The comedian. If you can't make me laugh you can get packin
Bonus (as in optional): Looking back, what's the one thing you've done which was supposed to be erotic, but didn't quite work out?
The only thing I can come up with is a recent purchase from an online intimate apparel store. It was supposed to be a “spider web” teddy. It can only be described as a “tangled ball of string.” What was to be a surprise outfit for hubby(to see, not for him to wear...heh) became a very expensive cat toy.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Monday, November 5, 2007
Update and more proof women are nuts
Where does the time go? I feel like I have been going non stop for weeks but I'm not sure what I've been doing. Remi started sleeping in his own bed Saturday night. Well sort of. He make sit about half the night before he comes to our bed. But half a night with out two little feet stuck in my back is good enough for me. Besides it's nice to have that time with my husband back. The funny thing is that Ed is more upset about me moving him that I am. That little boy has my 6'" 250lb husband wrapped so tightly around his little finger I'm not sure he'll ever come loose. It's ridiculously adorable. I've been blessed with a man that is not only a wonderful husband but a great dad.
Now here's a dilemma I have- I can be shallow. And vain. And I'm just terrible at being the bigger person. I do my very best to combat those faults before they become apparent to everyone else. Usually I succeed in reminding myself not to be a bitch before it becomes an issue. I'm struggling with this now. Saturday night Ed and I have a party to attend. He and his friends (almost all of whom he has know since grade school)have decided to forgo his high school sponsored reunion for a personally organized get together for all of their "group." Fine. Whatever. I'm not comfortable at all around a bunch of people drinking since I'm a two drink max kinda gal. Also my husband is 11 years older than I am and so, of course, are all of his friends. A few of them are closer to 15 years my senior. All of his male friends like me. (Warning: shallow rant coming) Of course I'm not shocked. They're 40ish and most of them are divorced or have been married to the same (also 40ish) women for 20 years. I'm a novelty. I'm 5'7", blond, 25 and (as of last week) officially a size 6. Plus I have big boobs. Yeah, they like me. Unfortunately their wives do not. Which is odd since I don't really know any of them. I went to one New year's party 6 years ago and they all decided they didn't like me, and I quote "Because her pants are too tight." *sigh* That just pisses me off. I am a college graduate. I will have a Master's degree in a year. I am a mother. My brains do not fall out of my ass when I wear a short skirt. I will not look like this forever so I dress trendy. I do NOT dress slutty. I also do not tolerate high school bullshit from women who graduated in the same decade I was born. I've tried being nice to these women. I only see them on rare occasions and I don't have a beef with them. I've done my dead level best to be the mature one. Well now, I'm tired, I'm stressed and I'm trying to get knocked up. So I quit.
And on top off all of this one of the women present will be my husband's ex wife. They dated though the last year of high shcool and were married 6 years. They have been divorced 7 years. She still calls him (only when she knows I'm not around) and she told my 19 year old niece who ran into her for the first time last week that she wasn't ever going to get married again because Ed broke her heart and she doesn't want any other man. This woman is 38 years old. I would think she would have either A) gotten over it or B) have the class not to tell her ex husband's niece such things.
So I'm going to go to the party. And I'm going to have fun with all of the guys that I really enjoy and two women who are truly secure enough in themselves to not give two shits what other women look like. But because I can be shallow I'm going in my new size 6 skinny leg jeans, my rockin BCBG sweater and these amazing shoes. I'm going to be ridiculously nice and I'm going to look hot doing it. Kill them with kidness right?
Now here's a dilemma I have- I can be shallow. And vain. And I'm just terrible at being the bigger person. I do my very best to combat those faults before they become apparent to everyone else. Usually I succeed in reminding myself not to be a bitch before it becomes an issue. I'm struggling with this now. Saturday night Ed and I have a party to attend. He and his friends (almost all of whom he has know since grade school)have decided to forgo his high school sponsored reunion for a personally organized get together for all of their "group." Fine. Whatever. I'm not comfortable at all around a bunch of people drinking since I'm a two drink max kinda gal. Also my husband is 11 years older than I am and so, of course, are all of his friends. A few of them are closer to 15 years my senior. All of his male friends like me. (Warning: shallow rant coming) Of course I'm not shocked. They're 40ish and most of them are divorced or have been married to the same (also 40ish) women for 20 years. I'm a novelty. I'm 5'7", blond, 25 and (as of last week) officially a size 6. Plus I have big boobs. Yeah, they like me. Unfortunately their wives do not. Which is odd since I don't really know any of them. I went to one New year's party 6 years ago and they all decided they didn't like me, and I quote "Because her pants are too tight." *sigh* That just pisses me off. I am a college graduate. I will have a Master's degree in a year. I am a mother. My brains do not fall out of my ass when I wear a short skirt. I will not look like this forever so I dress trendy. I do NOT dress slutty. I also do not tolerate high school bullshit from women who graduated in the same decade I was born. I've tried being nice to these women. I only see them on rare occasions and I don't have a beef with them. I've done my dead level best to be the mature one. Well now, I'm tired, I'm stressed and I'm trying to get knocked up. So I quit.
And on top off all of this one of the women present will be my husband's ex wife. They dated though the last year of high shcool and were married 6 years. They have been divorced 7 years. She still calls him (only when she knows I'm not around) and she told my 19 year old niece who ran into her for the first time last week that she wasn't ever going to get married again because Ed broke her heart and she doesn't want any other man. This woman is 38 years old. I would think she would have either A) gotten over it or B) have the class not to tell her ex husband's niece such things.
So I'm going to go to the party. And I'm going to have fun with all of the guys that I really enjoy and two women who are truly secure enough in themselves to not give two shits what other women look like. But because I can be shallow I'm going in my new size 6 skinny leg jeans, my rockin BCBG sweater and these amazing shoes. I'm going to be ridiculously nice and I'm going to look hot doing it. Kill them with kidness right?
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Hodgepodge
Lord ya'll, this week has kicked my ass. I work with hundreds of men and about a dozen women and all the testoterone in that building just kills me sometimes. Yes, I am a female. Yes, I'm out working your ass. That doesn't make me a suck up, it makes you lazy. Asshole.
Second, I'm starting a new blog. I'll be having my IUD removed tuesday and we'll be on our way to gettin me knocked up. However I more to talk about than my uterus so I'm not going to make this blog about that. Add me to your Bloglines, your favorites, write the address on your forhead, whatever.
Also, I'm throwing my support, for what it's worth, behind Fred Thompson. I'd met 3 of the major candidates prior to meeting Fred and I wasn't nearly as impressed. As it is I now have a Support Fred widget to your left there. Use it would ya? I like my guns and I'd like to keep them with out having to kill anyone.
And finally my last acquisition- a Nightforce scope for my .223. It a 5.5-22x56 and it rocks. So much so my husband took my damn rifle this morning. I'll post pics tomorrow or Monday for those of you that are into that sort of thing.
Second, I'm starting a new blog. I'll be having my IUD removed tuesday and we'll be on our way to gettin me knocked up. However I more to talk about than my uterus so I'm not going to make this blog about that. Add me to your Bloglines, your favorites, write the address on your forhead, whatever.
Also, I'm throwing my support, for what it's worth, behind Fred Thompson. I'd met 3 of the major candidates prior to meeting Fred and I wasn't nearly as impressed. As it is I now have a Support Fred widget to your left there. Use it would ya? I like my guns and I'd like to keep them with out having to kill anyone.
And finally my last acquisition- a Nightforce scope for my .223. It a 5.5-22x56 and it rocks. So much so my husband took my damn rifle this morning. I'll post pics tomorrow or Monday for those of you that are into that sort of thing.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Ten things I've done that you probably haven't
A meme courtesy of a very funny lady Beej (of the boob brigade)
1- Nursed a 33 month old. This is the single most controversial thing I've done lately and it's the dumbest argument I've ever had. I'm not asking *you* to nurse him, so back off.
2- Shot a 43 second round in an IPSC competition. Three stages, 36 pieces of steel. I rock for an amature.
3- Ended up with my both feet and half my ass hanging out the window of a Jeep, with the gear shift lodged rather firmly in my eye socket, realizing that although I came with in inches of certain death my lovely BIL still had his Budweiser bottle clamped firmly between his teeth. And hadn't spilled a drop.
4- Loaded 1200 boxes in 3 hours. And enjoyed it. Working your way up at your friendly brown parcel service makes you feel accomplished.
5- Managed to sufficiently embarrass my self with aluminum foil. When I was 12 I was nursing my first curling iron burn and had recalled at some point hearing that you could apply foil as a remedy. What no one told me was that FOIL is the actual brand name of a burn ointment. My family will never let me live that down.
6- Memorized the entire "Who's on first base" routine made famous by Abbott and Costello. My dad and I have it perfected and it makes a wonderful party trick.
7- Gone 25 years without ever having mowed a lawn. I grew up on 20 acres with a father who's motto is "Anything worth doing is worth having hired done."
8- I sport (rather proudly) a burn scar in the perfect shape of a .45 shell casing. Right between my boobs.
9- Received my first set of stitches from construction equipment. How you ask? I fell on a bulldozer. I was at a friends house and and to pee something awful. Instead of traipsing my happy ass from his shop down to the house I decide to relieve myself out of sight by walking around the corner. In pitch darkness. I tripped and hit my knew on the bulldozer blade. 8 stitches and a tetanus shot later I still haven't learned my lesson. As was evident by the poison ivy rash on my bum this summer.
10- Survived ovarian cancer. Twice.
1- Nursed a 33 month old. This is the single most controversial thing I've done lately and it's the dumbest argument I've ever had. I'm not asking *you* to nurse him, so back off.
2- Shot a 43 second round in an IPSC competition. Three stages, 36 pieces of steel. I rock for an amature.
3- Ended up with my both feet and half my ass hanging out the window of a Jeep, with the gear shift lodged rather firmly in my eye socket, realizing that although I came with in inches of certain death my lovely BIL still had his Budweiser bottle clamped firmly between his teeth. And hadn't spilled a drop.
4- Loaded 1200 boxes in 3 hours. And enjoyed it. Working your way up at your friendly brown parcel service makes you feel accomplished.
5- Managed to sufficiently embarrass my self with aluminum foil. When I was 12 I was nursing my first curling iron burn and had recalled at some point hearing that you could apply foil as a remedy. What no one told me was that FOIL is the actual brand name of a burn ointment. My family will never let me live that down.
6- Memorized the entire "Who's on first base" routine made famous by Abbott and Costello. My dad and I have it perfected and it makes a wonderful party trick.
7- Gone 25 years without ever having mowed a lawn. I grew up on 20 acres with a father who's motto is "Anything worth doing is worth having hired done."
8- I sport (rather proudly) a burn scar in the perfect shape of a .45 shell casing. Right between my boobs.
9- Received my first set of stitches from construction equipment. How you ask? I fell on a bulldozer. I was at a friends house and and to pee something awful. Instead of traipsing my happy ass from his shop down to the house I decide to relieve myself out of sight by walking around the corner. In pitch darkness. I tripped and hit my knew on the bulldozer blade. 8 stitches and a tetanus shot later I still haven't learned my lesson. As was evident by the poison ivy rash on my bum this summer.
10- Survived ovarian cancer. Twice.
Monday, October 8, 2007
How in the hell....
Can you discover something when someone else is already livng there? That would be like me "discovering" my neighbor's front porch. In any case today is the day we're to celebrate the world's most famous slave trader.
Here's to Columbus....asshole
Here's to Columbus....asshole
Sunday, October 7, 2007
My meme
I hijacked AD's meme....
WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?
1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car)
Niki Rendezvous- I'm see 80's ballad type album cover here
2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)
Orange Snickerdoodle- With a gangsta name like that I'd be somebody's bitch in 5 minutes
3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)
LBla- this isn't funny. In fact it makes no sense whatsoever
4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Sky Tiger- paint me in black and white and hand me a cigarette holder
5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Rhea-Ann Shawnee- Oh I'm so the mean bitch who keeps stealing your man. After all, you gotta love to hate someone on those damn shows right?
6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)
Blali- Heh, does that make me Jar Jar Binks girlfriend?
7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
Pink Tecate- Lord those Mexican beer makers just had a heart attack
8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
Jack James- Nascar. New Whiskey. It's multifunctional
9. STRIPPER NAME: ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy)
Vera Rocher- I believe they call us high priced strippers "call girls" thankyouverymuch
10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names )
Lynn Lee- dude, I so don't look Asian. I'd be busted in a minute
11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)
Sherrod San Antonio- You know that news show where they strip as they go along? Yeah...
12. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)
Summer Lily- spy. Undercover hooker. Whatever.
13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + "ie" or "y")
Grape Pantie- Hey if my cartoon doesn't fly Christie's Toy Box can market a new flavor of drawers
14. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)
Pop Tart Peach- I wouldn't be opposed to a peach Pop Tart, sounds yummy
15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”)
The Target Shooting Tornado Tour- Heh, that's an Oklahoma band for ya
WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?
1. YOUR ROCK STAR NAME: (first pet & current car)
Niki Rendezvous- I'm see 80's ballad type album cover here
2.YOUR GANGSTA NAME: (fave ice cream flavor, favorite cookie)
Orange Snickerdoodle- With a gangsta name like that I'd be somebody's bitch in 5 minutes
3. YOUR “FLY Guy/Girl” NAME: (first initial of first name, first three letters of your last name)
LBla- this isn't funny. In fact it makes no sense whatsoever
4. YOUR DETECTIVE NAME: (favorite color, favorite animal)
Sky Tiger- paint me in black and white and hand me a cigarette holder
5. YOUR SOAP OPERA NAME: (middle name, city where you were born)
Rhea-Ann Shawnee- Oh I'm so the mean bitch who keeps stealing your man. After all, you gotta love to hate someone on those damn shows right?
6. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: (first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 letters of your first)
Blali- Heh, does that make me Jar Jar Binks girlfriend?
7. SUPERHERO NAME: (”The” + 2nd favorite color, favorite drink)
Pink Tecate- Lord those Mexican beer makers just had a heart attack
8. NASCAR NAME: (the first names of your grandfathers)
Jack James- Nascar. New Whiskey. It's multifunctional
9. STRIPPER NAME: ( the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy)
Vera Rocher- I believe they call us high priced strippers "call girls" thankyouverymuch
10.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME: (mother’s & father’s middle names )
Lynn Lee- dude, I so don't look Asian. I'd be busted in a minute
11. TV WEATHER ANCHOR NAME: (Your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter)
Sherrod San Antonio- You know that news show where they strip as they go along? Yeah...
12. SPY NAME: (your favorite season/holiday, flower)
Summer Lily- spy. Undercover hooker. Whatever.
13. CARTOON NAME: (favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now + "ie" or "y")
Grape Pantie- Hey if my cartoon doesn't fly Christie's Toy Box can market a new flavor of drawers
14. HIPPY NAME: (What you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree)
Pop Tart Peach- I wouldn't be opposed to a peach Pop Tart, sounds yummy
15. YOUR ROCKSTAR TOUR NAME: (”The” + Your fave hobby/craft, fave weather element + “Tour”)
The Target Shooting Tornado Tour- Heh, that's an Oklahoma band for ya
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
I'm just not seeing it
I've had half a dozen people tell me recently that I look like a local news anchor woman. I'm not seeing it. This is her-
And this is me-
The resemblance is elluding me
And this is me-
The resemblance is elluding me
Monday, September 10, 2007
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