Surviving Motherhood

“It is said that only a fool learns from his own mistakes, a wise man from the mistakes of others.” But how are you supposed to learn from the mistakes of others if no one wants to admit to making them? As a mother, you are expected to appear perfect, a sort of Stepford Mother if you will. To always present to the public the image of a well put together woman of an acceptable age, with well behaved children that politely a respond to your every request with, “Yes Mother.” If this sort of world actually exists, it is in some parallel universe far removed from my own.

Realistically you will spend the first four months of your pregnancy vomiting, and the remaining months reading every piece of available published information on how to properly raise a child. Then you give birth and realize that all of those authors couldn’t possibly have had time to write those books if they actually had a child. For those that fall just short of perfect, I offer some tips.

Tip1- There is little reasoning with a toddler. The first year or so isn’t bad. You can put the child down and rest assured that he will be within ten feet or so of where you left him. Sometime in the second year, the Earth tilts on its axis and your sweet cuddly baby turns into a toddler. They gain the ability to say odd things such as “I don’t want to!” or “I don’t have to!” and my favorite, “You can’t make me!” If you’re a normal parent your first reaction is to retort with “You wanna bet?” But in the world of Stepford Mothers, that is utterly unacceptable. To fit into the role of Perfect Mother, you are expected to reason with the child.

You cannot reason with a person who thinks it’s totally acceptable to eat things like gravel or roly-poly’s. If you saw a grown man trying to put mayonnaise on a cat or see how many crayons he could shove down the drain you would assume he was insane. You would not attempt to carry on a polite, reasonable conversation. To attempt to do so with a toddler is right up there with trying to convince Michael Moore that capitalism is the best form of economic system. It just isn’t happening. So the next time your young child tells you that they will not be taking a bath this evening, remember that for the first few years you have two options- stand your ground or give in.

Tip 2- Pick your battles. A wise man once said, “Pick battles big enough to matter, but small enough to win.” Got a kid that insists on eating nothing but spaghetti? It is a phase and I’m certain that spaghetti hasn’t ever killed anyone. In less than a week the novelty will wear off and you’ll realize how much easier it was when they didn’t insist on having nineteen options for dinner. Is your seven year old of the opinion that brushing her teeth is unnecessary? This is one you’re going to want to hold your ground on. If more convincing is needed than a good old “Because I said so,” I’ve found that a quick web search for Periodontal Disease will elicit some pretty convincing photos.

Tip 3- Always write down the more obscure things that you’re forced to say. I assure you that in a month it will be funny. Things like “Daddy’s shotgun press is not a good juicer. Please put the limes back in the fridge,” aren’t nearly as funny when you’re mopping up half a cup of lime juice as they will be in a week when you’re telling the story to your girlfriends over a margarita. If you find yourself uttering things like “We do not put wooden spoons up the dog’s butt!” or ”Ketchup is a condiment, not a lubricant for tricycle wheels!” you are not alone and, more importantly, no matter how much you doubt it you are still mostly sane.

Tip 4- If you did not have a strong stomach before motherhood, you will quickly develop one. If you find something disgusting stuck on odd surfaces do not attempt to discover its true identity. Get one of the new handy, pre moistened germ killing cloths and remove the offending material to the trash can. If you find a mysterious wet spot on the carpet just mop it up and go on with your day. If your sink is clogged and you suddenly remember your child was alone in the bathroom at some point, go buy the strongest chemical known to man intended for unclogging the sink. Pour the desired amount down the drain and pray. Most importantly if one of your young children should ever utter the words, “Mom, I don’t feel good,” don’t stop to ask what’s wrong. Just find the closest bathroom.

Tip 5- You will do things once you become a mother that you never dreamed you would do. You will tell rambling stories about your adorable offspring to complete strangers. You will ignore all of the phone calls and household chores when your toddler falls asleep in your lap because it’s the only time he’s still enough for you to hold him. You will stop watching the news when a story about a missing, murdered, or kidnapped child is on because no matter what that child looks like you only see your daughter’s face. You will start to fear busy parking lots. Jungle gyms will seem much higher and you will learn there are a thousand totally different ways to fall off a bicycle. You will realize you are truly a mother when you catch vomit in your bare hands so it won’t hit the new carpet.

Just remember when you see mothers out in public who look as though they’ve managed to raise the Perfect Family, that you are comparing the outside of their family to the inside of yours. No matter what social pressure is put on you remember that at some point every mother is faced with a situation that makes you want to laugh, cry and strangle your precious child all at the same time. No one tells you that the feeling you’ll have most often after love, is guilt. As long as you remember that their childhood is going to be harder on you than it is on them, you’ll make it through. Someday I promise it will all be funny. Or at the very least will make for a few wonderfully embarrassing stories to tell their future spouse